Dear London,

Good luck.

From a friend in London:

"The latest is that the security firm is not secure, the food and drinks companies will not be supplying food or drink and the British archery Paralympic champion got that way in a road-rage attack. On the rare occasions that I go into London, I hear messages from Boris Johnson, London’s blond explosion of a mayor, telling me that transport will be disrupted so I’m not learning anything to my advantage so far.

I would use the comedy channel to wake up to but they don’t do time-checks.

My favourite local cafe was visited by the police … the POLICE! … because she had a poster on the wall publicising her Olympic Onion Rings! It wasn’t the name that was the problem, it was use of the logo of the Olympic rings  – those symbols of unity and cooperation in sport – depicted in rings of onion. The POLICE are now defending the commercial interests of international organisations that CLAIM to be non-profit! (don’t start me on MacDonald’s and Coke!).

Frankly, I want to hide under the bed but there isn’t room what with all the monitoring devices and special agents under there already."

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